His wife finds the necklace while looking for something else; the black box falls out of a pink stocking, one she’s never seen before.
A small set of sterling silver toe shoes stare back at her from inside the box. She runs her thumb over the outline of each slipper, remembering how they used to feel on her feet.
“Ally?”
She looks up, shutting the box on her finger. “Ow.”
He hides his laughter and steps closer to her. “What are you looking at?”
“Toe shoes.”
“Oh.” She opens the black velvet box and he looks down. “Oh.”
“They’re pretty.”
He nods. “They’re not for you.”
“What?”
“The necklace – it isn’t for you.” He stares at the floor. “It’s for her.”
“Her?” He nods. “I’m sorry, but who is her?”
“Our daughter.”
“Our…” She smiles softly. “James, we don’t have a daughter.”
“Our future one.”
“I would have to be pregnant first.”
“It’s not like I’m not trying.” He looks up and she laughs, nodding. “I fell in love with you while you were wearing shoes like that.”
“I know.”
“I thought that maybe our little girl could wear toe shoes too.”
“You want our daughter to be a ballerina?”
“If she wants to be.”
A chuckle slips from her mouth. “Oh I see.”
He sits down next to her on the guest bed and reaches for the box, opening it. “I saw them, and thought they would look pretty with her red hair.”
“James, I’ll remind you…”
“She doesn’t exist yet, I know. But you have red hair, and I…” He shakes his head. “This is embarrassing, Ally.”
“It’s adorable, honey.”
He sighs, reaching for her hand. “I just want her to have beautiful things.”
“She’ll have a beautiful father.”
“That’s cliché.”
“You bought her a toe shoe necklace. That’s not cliché?”
“Should I have purchased something bright pink instead?”
She laughs, shaking her head. “No. These are perfect. I’m sure she’ll love them – whenever she gets them.”
He smiles, nods, and stares at the box. Ally goes back to searching for Christmas decorations, but James remains seated, even long after his wife has left the room.
¥
They try, and they try, and he begins to buy things. A yellow blanket with a duck embroidered in the corner, a baby name book that ends up in her Christmas stocking; sheets and blankets meant for a crib they don’t have, or need, yet.
He hides the purchases in the trunk of his car, or the attic, where she won’t go, but he starts to get embarrassed so he stops buying and just looks instead, making a mental list of everything he wants to purchase once she’s pregnant.
When the doctor tells them that she’s unable to carry, he blames himself. He bought the items – jinxed what they wanted. He packs everything he purchased in to a box; tossing the black velvet one in with the rest of it before he seals the box with packing tape and sets it in the back corner of the attic. He is on his way out when he stumbles over a box near the front, his wife’s block lettering glaring at him from across the cardboard. BABY.
He opens the box, finding more merchandise than even he purchased. Pink shoes, white shoes, blue sleepwear; enough clothes to last a child two weeks. At the bottom is a baby book, and when he opens it, Ally’s neat handwriting jumps out from the first page.
December 11
Today your Daddy bought you toe shoes. He doesn’t know that you might be a boy – neither of us do. You aren’t even sort of here yet, but we know you are coming. He just wants you to have pretty things, but he doesn’t know that you already have the most beautiful thing in the world – him.
December 25
Merry Christmas! I bought you an ornament – don’t tell Daddy, he doesn’t know I’m buying you things yet. He probably wouldn’t want me to – I think he’s afraid we’ll jinx it. But you’re coming. Soon, I can feel it.
The entries begin to blur together as he turns the pages, finding months and months of one-way correspondence. He can tell when he’s on the last page because of the tear stains, Ally’s handwriting strained and smaller.
November 23
We went to the doctor today. He said that I can’t carry you – that I probably won’t ever be pregnant. I just don’t understand. We want you so much. How is this fair?
James clambers down the attic steps, clutching the baby book in his hand. Ally is kneeling in the guest room, rifling through boxes.
“Al?”
“The toe shoes. Where are the toe shoes?”
“They’re in a box in the attic.” He sighs. “Ally, I’ll get them in a minute. Look at me.”
“I want them now.”
“Ally, sweetheart.” He sits down on the ground next to her. “I’ll go get them, but I want you to look at me.”
She pulls away from the box, looking over at him. Her face is stained with tears and he closes his eyes, letting out a slow breath. “What?”
“Don’t give up on this.”
“The doctor said…”
“I don’t care.” He snaps, opening his eyes. “Doctors are wrong. They are wrong all the time.” He sets the baby book down in front of her. “You want this.”
“Where did you find that?”
“I tripped over the box and opened it. Ally, you want this baby – we both do. So don’t give up. We’ll find a way.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t know, James. It’s already been a year.”
He reaches for her hand, pulling her across the carpet and closer to him. “We’re strong enough for this. You know we are.”
She lets out a slow breath. “Erin and Shawn tried, and they…”
“We’re stronger than that. I won’t leave.”
Ally stares at her jeans, picking at a hole in the thigh. He reaches for her hand, stopping only when she looks up at him. “Promise?”
“Cross my heart. I will never leave you.”
¥
“James!”
“I’m coming!” He thunders down the stairs, turning the corner in to the kitchen. “Do you have everything?”
“It’s all outside already.”
“Good.” He smiles and kisses her. “Then let’s go.” He opens the door for her, and the couple joins a group of three year-olds and their parents on the back deck. “Presents!”
The children race to the table, surrounding the birthday girl and swinging their legs back and forth because they’re still too short to reach the ground. Shouts of “me first” echo through the backyard, and James watches as Ally fields all of their requests and keeps the strawberry blonde that belongs to him from being overwhelmed.
He doesn’t step forward until all of the other presents have been opened, and then he crouches down next to her, tapping her shoulder. “I have one more.”
“More?” Olivia turns around, her hair catching the light. “From who?”
“From me, silly girl.”
His daughter giggles and reaches, her small hands wrapping tightly around the black box. She wrenches it open and lets out a loud gasp. “Toe shoes?”
“Your very own pair.”
James can barely catch himself before Olivia has scrambled out of her place between the other children and is pressed against him, her tiny arms wrapped as tightly around his neck as they can be. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Red.” She giggles at the nickname and hugs him tighter. James catches his wife’s eye and smiles. She smiles back, though there are tears in her eyes. They’ve waited years for this moment.
“Papa, let go.” She whispers, her breath fluttering the graying hair by his ears. “I want to go play.”
He lets go, looking in to her bright green eyes. “Go play, pretty girl.”
She smiles and escapes from the deck, a motley crew of children still learning how to control their arms and legs following her.
She’s back a few minutes later, crawling in to her mother’s lap as the adults sit on the deck. “Can I wear them?”
He nods, reaching for the black velvet box and slipping the necklace around her neck. She tucks it in to her shirt, pats her chest for safekeeping, and heads back to her friends, her hair flying in the wind.
“They look beautiful on her,” Ally says, reaching for his hand. He nods, but says nothing, remembering only the day he purchased them, when he saw his little girl running around with toe shoes around her neck in his head. The image is more perfect than he ever could have imagined.
