The song is a bad omen. The piano keys echo in her ears and her feet pound against the pavement in time with the beat as she rounds the corner. She shouldn't have let herself run in his neighborhood. She can feel it in her bones; she's about to run in to him, or his wife, or one of his daughters, all of whom are so close to her age it nearly makes her uncomfortable.
She sees their mutual friend walk down the front pathway three houses away and she slows down, nearly walking instead of running. She watches him follow Elaine down the pathway and she takes a deep breath and speeds back up so she can pass them. She turns her music up and lets her feet carry her across the concrete and past them, feeling them watch her and hearing him call her name over the words of the song, the words that are reiterating what she's feeling; wanting to cry and for it all to go away. She hears Elaine's voice, but still doesn't turn, focusing instead on the hills in front of her, wishing she was running up them instead of just watching them move up and down behind the houses.
She forgets about the cracks in the sidewalk until they affect her, her palms hitting the concrete long before she has realized she is no longer falling.
¥
"I'm the loneliest person I know," She says, playing with the loose strings on the pillow clutched to her chest. "And I know a lot of people."
"If you know so many people, why are you so lonely?"
"Knowing their name is different than really knowing them."
He nods, writing something on the legal pad in his lap. She hates it when he does that. "Do you think that maybe you don't really know them because you won't let yourself?"
"No," He doesn't look up from his paper, and his silence shakes her. "Ok, maybe."
"Why is that?"
She closes her eyes. "Dr. Grove..."
"Answer the question, Juliet."
She sighs. "Because I don't want to get hurt." It's a mantra she's been repeating for years; she told it to herself when her mother left her Dad, her Dad repeated it to her when she left home 4 years ago, and it was what she told Elaine when she was asked why she had never been in a serious relationship. "I just...I'm afraid."
Dr. Grove nods, staying silent for a few minutes before looking up. "I'm going to tell you something, and you're not going to like it, but I want you to listen."
"Okay..."
"In order to stop being so lonely, you're going to have to be more open to the possibility of getting hurt."
¥
The smell of rain fills her nose as he presses her body into the wall, wet kisses on her neck in twos, threes and fours. His cologne mixes with the rain and all of a sudden it's her favorite scent, making her weak at the knees and warm between her legs. Three weeks she has known him, flirted with him, been falling for him. His blue eyes are the focus of most of her newly developed photographs, his smile has taken over her brain; his heart warms her soul.
Grove said she had to get hurt, but this doesn't feel like hurt, this; this feels like bad thoughts and good feelings, like cold raindrops and warm bodies. It's a cluster of emotions she can't quite describe, and though his shirt is clinging to his body and her hair is sticking to her neck, when their mouths collide and a mixture of wet and salt and heat explodes in to the far corners of her mouth, she never wants to let go.
¥
It's one of their infrequent dinners out when he tells her; clutches her hand across the table and tries to make the words sound less catastrophic than they are, though he's not very good at it.
"I need to tell you something," He says, after the waiter has dropped off their food and will certainly leave them be for a while. "Jules?"
She looks up and takes the hand that is stretched across the table, her brown eyes watching his blue ones speckle green and grey. "I'm listening, Alex." He smiles softly at the way his name falls out of her lips. He stares at her for a minute and then lowers his gaze and her heart starts to thump. You're too young for me; My daughters don't like that I'm dating someone this young; I just don't think we're right for each other...
"I'm married."
The pad of her thumb stops moving stops moving over his hand. "What?"
"Married." His free hand reaches into his pocket and pulls out a white-gold ring, which seems to clatter above the restaurant noise when he drops it on the table. "I don't like wearing it. I love her, and I never imagined falling for you. You surprised me, Juliet. I never expected to love two women. I'm so sorry. I had to tell you. I don't want this to be over but I...well, I suppose that's up to you." He looks up at her, his eyes grey with confusion and brimming with tears.
She can't say a damn word. She's forgotten how.
¥
Elaine's little brother ends up being her rebound guy, a man in age but a boy in all other aspects. He doesn't hold a candle to Alex; no one ever will. They date for a month and half before she finds herself standing outside of Alex's office, wringing her hands together. His meeting ends and she waits, eyes tracing the patterns in the carpet as the head of human resources leaves his office.
They don't say a word to each other; he touches her arm and she follows him in, settling in the black leather chair that sits in the back corner before bothering to look up.
"Hey," He says, pulling a chair from in front of his desk and sitting down across from her. "Is everything alright?"
"I hate you." She whispers, slipping out of her heels and pulling her legs up so that she is sitting cross-legged in the chair. "You-you cheated on your wife with me and you broke me."
"I know. I'm so sorry..."
"Stop," She says, shaking her head. "Stop apologizing."
"Julie..."
"I miss you." She looks up at him, willing tears to form in her eyes. She hasn't cried since he broke the news and she feels like a robot. Not to mention she wants him to care; wants him to see her tears and feel bad. "I need you."
His hand brushes against hers and she clutches at his hand, lacing their fingers together. "I miss you too, but I...Juliet, I can't."
"Why did you tell me?" She snaps, his hand dropping out of hers. "We were happy. I was in love. Couldn't you have just...left it alone?"
His heart breaks when her voice cracks. "No, I couldn't. It wasn't fair to you, or her."
"You know what else isn't fair to me?" His head shakes slowly, but she can see it in his eyes. He knows. "This. THIS, Alex. I'm dying without you. I need you so badly, and I..." She stops, standing. "I have to go. I can't believe I came here."
"Come on, don't leave."
"No. I'm going." She walks away from him, reaching for the door handle and closing her eyes. "I need to not see you any more."
"We work in the same building."
"On different floors. Just, try."
He doesn't say anything at first, but she hears him cross the room and rest his hand on her shoulder. "I promise, I will."
She leaves without another word and goes home for the day. The don't see each other for another two months. It's at the company Christmas party that she meets his wife, and then leaves and drinks herself to sleep on Elaine's couch.
¥
Her eyes open slowly, Alex's face coming in to view; fuzzy at first, and then clear, clearer than she's ever seen it. "Are you okay?"
"Fine," She says, sitting up. "I'm okay."
"Are you sure?" He lifts her up by her arms, helping her stand. "You hit the concrete pretty hard."
"I'm fine." She pulls out of his grasp, moving back and forth from the balls of her feet to her heels.
"Juliet, what about your hands? You went palm first..."
"I. am. fine." She snaps. She moves to run her fingers through her hair, but her wrist screams at her and she cringes.
"I told you. You need..."
"You didn't tell me anything." Alex opens his mouth, but she shakes her head. "No. Don't say anything else. I'm fine. I didn't get hurt. I don't need your help. Just leave me alone!"
"Juliet." Elaine steps between them, reaching for her friends arm. "Sweetie, calm down."
"I am calm!" She screams, and Elaine steps back, lifting her hands in defense. "I'm sorry, Laney. I'm just..."
"Fine; you're fine." Alex snaps. "We know." He turns to walk away and then stops, though he stays facing away from her. "I got hurt too, Juliet. I fell in love and got my heart broken too. You're not the only victim here."
"No, I'm guessing your wife is the other one." She hisses, watching his shoulders tense before he finally walks away, his steps slow and steady as they head towards his front door.
The two women don't say anything else to each other, but Elaine helps Juliet in to her car and takes her to the emergency room, insisting that she get her wrists checked out.
It isn't until the doctor is splinting and wrapping her wrists that she finally, finally, lets herself cry.
